Survivor: Port Charles
by martheev
Summary: Who will win and or get made fun of on Port Charles Survivor? A pretty dated parody so some of the jokes might be lost on those that don't remember the storylines. Tell me what you think, good or bad. Thanks for reading!
1. Week 1

Dun dikka dikka dikka dun dikka dikka dikka dun dikka dikka dikka!  
AAAAAOOOOOOOOO!

"Lucky! Stop that inscesant noise! Just because you THINK you have  
a musical carreer doesn't mean a damn!"

Lucky crossed his arms and pouted. "Well I ran out of Webber chicks  
to screw I had to do SOMETHING with my time!"

"Well it would be better off as something else. Really!" I let the  
boy go for the moment to look back at the camera. I clear my throat  
before I begin. "Good evening and welcome to Port Charles Survivor!  
I'm your host, Edward Quartermaine. You know how it goes. We go on  
and on until everyone but the ulitimate Survivor is left. Okay,  
let's meet the teams shall we? To my left is Tribe Mobbobku:

Sonny Corinthos: "I'm here...to win...at any cost. Fugedaboudit!"

Carly Corinthos: "Okay Sonny, I know I said I'd follow you  
anywhere. But seriously, sand up my ass? Whatchu talkin' 'bout?"

Elizabeth Webber: "I'm just so confused! Oh, why can't I have every  
boy in the world? They all want me anyway!"

"And huddled around her we have:"

With a blank stare, Jason Morgan: ...

Lucky Spencer: "'Hm? Well, I've had both Liz and Sarah. What now?  
Hey! Wasn't that Maxie chick like way into me?'"

"And Zander Smith": "'So, you can't just be a sensitive tough guy to  
get Elizabeth, you gotta have a harley and kill people for a living  
too? Done!'"

And thier rivals Tribe Coupledupous:

Jax and Skye: "Du ya luv me luv?" "Uhm? Do you have to speak?  
Cause if not that would make this relationship a LOT easier on me."

Luke and Laura Spencer: "Come back to me Laura!" "Jesus Christ  
Luke! I know I may occationally flip out, but can't I just go squat  
and pee in the woods for crying out loud?"

"And, much to my chagrin, Courtney and...(sigh)...AJ  
Quartermaine": "Hi everyone. We just want you all to know that we  
are going to make this as fair a fight as possible, isn't that right  
honey? Honey? (Sigh) Put down the damn bottle and answer me!" AJ  
looked around half dazed as he sat up. "Huh? What? Oh hey hun."  
He stopped to take a gulp from his botle. Then he raised the bottle  
in the air. "My wife's a stripper! Wooo Ho...bleaaaaaa!"

"Shameful ingrate." I poised myself for the front of the camera  
again. "Well, that's about all the time we have here today. Join us  
next week when we'll lose our first member."

A scuffle could be heard behind me. I looked to see Elizabeth trying  
to fend off Lucky.

"Come on? You used to let me all the time!"

"We were together then Lucky. I just...I don't love you anymore you  
brainwashed, sister fucking fiend!" With that she pushed him away.  
Too hard however, as he backed up and over the cliffside.

Luke stood up in rage. "Oh my God! They killed Lucky!" Laura stood  
up right behind him and shook her fist in the air. "You bastards!"

Once again, I addressed the camera with a smile. "Okay, we'll lose  
our second member next week. Until next time."


	2. Week 2

Dun dikka dikka dikka dun dikka dikka dikka dun dikka dikka dikka!  
AAAAAOOOOOOOOO!

"Lucky! What did I tell you last week?"

"Uhm...That I only thought I had a musical career?"

"Well, not exactly what I was going for, but yes, a point well  
taken. Hello everyone, it's your host Edward Quartermaine welcoming  
you back to our second week of the game. We'll lose our first member  
this week, right after our tribal challenge. But first, lets just  
chat with some of the contestants shall we?"

TRIBE COUPLEDUPOUS:

"Tha's a fin' bit 'o fish'n yer din ther!"

Skye put her hands on her hips. "Apparently looks CAN be everything."

Laura had picked up one of the fish. She was squeezing it's sides,  
making the mouth open and close over and over. "The fish, they talk  
to me. Hello. What? I smell like tuna?"

Luke looks over and shakes his head in shame. "Oh my poor darlin."

TRIBE MOBBOBKU:

Elizabeth held tight onto Jason's shirt. "I'm sorry, I just don't  
love you anymore. Zander is the one I love. Well, he's a good lay  
anyhow." She began to walk away. "No no, don't try to stop me."

Jason just looks at her with a blank stare.

She rolls her eyes. "Not that you could!" She ran over to  
Zander. "Let's go over here."

A few seconds later, the bushes can be heard and seen shaking wildly.

THE CHALLENGE:

Edward stood before them. "Now, I know that most of you are spoiled,  
money counting morons, so I'm going to make this simple. Just run  
across the sand. From here to the ocean. GO!"

Almost everyone took off. After everyone else was out of the way, AJ  
could clearly be seen. He had vomited on himself and passed out.  
And the ones that had taken off were not quite like bats out of hell,  
more like sloths out of quicksand.

Skye began to get agitated. She stopped and pulled out a sparkling  
water. "Okay screw this." She plopped down a few inches from the  
starting line.

Laura had stopped. She was hunched over with her ear to the  
ground. "The sand, it talks to me. Hello. What? No, I just smell  
like that because I made out with a fish earlier." Luke's face  
scrunched. "HOW much earlier." Laura stood up and thought. "Hm.  
Right before I made out with you." "OH GOD!" Luke stumbled back to  
the starting line where he proceeded to throw up all over AJ.

Elizabeth and Zander were off in the woods having sex again. Jason  
was stading there watching them, not saying a word.

In fact, the only person to make it to the ocean was Lucky. He began  
to thrash about and yell. "I made it I made it! YEAH!" But the  
current got to strong for him. It washed him out to sea where his  
breath bubbles got fewer and fewer until they stopped all together.

Luke stood up and wiped his chin off. "Oh my God! They killed  
Lucky!" Laura turned away from the tree she was talking to to  
yell "You bastards!"

THE VOTE:

Skye: "Yeah, I'm voting for Jax. HOW many years in this country and  
he STILL can't speak English?"

AJ: "I'm votin' fer Courtney, cuz she's the only name I can think of  
right now."

Edward came out with the tallied votes. "Okay, the first person to  
be kicked off the island is...Courtney. Please bring your stuff up  
here." Edward took her torch and put it out.

Everyone was "aw"ing, they were sad to see her, the nice one, go  
first. She braught about a sweet, honest air to the game that would  
be missed.

"Aw. Yeah well, fuck you all." she said in her nice, sweet tone.  
She turned and stalked out of the coucil area.

"And there you have it. AJ will now undoubtedly get even drunker.  
You don't want to miss it. So join us next week for our next  
installment of Port Charles Survivor!"


	3. Week 3

Dun dikka dikka dikka dun dikka dikka dikka dun dikka dikka dikka!  
AAAAAOOOOOOOOO!

"LUCKY! I swear if you don't quit that unconstiuable dribble...!"

"Hey old man, I'm just making music, I'm not slobbering on myself."

"THAT'S yet to be determined! Hello, I'm your host Edward  
Quartermaine and welcome back to our third week of the game. If you  
missed last week, here's a quick recap. For their physical challenge  
all these morons had to do was run across the beach. Naturally, they  
all lost. And the first person to be voted out of the game was  
Courtney. Let's see what our players are up to today."

TRIBE COUPLEDUPOUS:

"My husband Sonny is very displeased with last week's eviction of his  
kid sister. We are taking precautions to make sure this doesn't  
happen again."

Skye walked out of the bushes and interjected. "Uhm...She's already  
been voted off. It CAN'T happen again."

Carly reached up and smacked Skye across her face. "Shut up hoe!"  
She straightened herself back out for the camera. "Anyway, you have  
been warned.

Skye ran teary eyed back to her side of the island. "Oooooo! I just  
got bitch slapped!"

"Ah, you got the backhand then?" Luke asked.

"No because I got slapped by Carly, duh!"

Jax walked over with a goofy grin and put his hands on her  
shoulders. "Wo' ye liek may tu rub yer facen mik it fil ull betta?"

Skye looked up at him, still holding her cheek. "I swear to GOD if I  
hear something about a shrimp and a Barbie I am SO kickin' your ass!"

TRIBE MOBBOBKU:

"I can not beLIEVE that Skye woman!" Carly stalked over and punched  
a tree, causing it to collapse and drop some coconuts.

Sonny grabbed her by her shoulders and pulled her back. "Hey hey!  
You're the one that cut into their team's paragraph remember? Damn!  
You've got a real anger problem you know that?"

Carly flung her arms to throw his arms off of her. She spun around to  
gleer him in the eye. "What's that pot? You're callin' me black?"

"What Elizabeth? Why?"

"Because I just don't love you anymore, Zander. I screwed you  
yesterday, I'm ready to move on." She ran over to Lucky. "Oh Lucky,  
I'm SO sorry about what I said about you before."

"Oh you mean the whole 'sister fucking fiend' thing?"

"Uh...Yeah. I just want you to know I forgive you. And that I love  
you. I want to be with YOU!"

Lucky shrugged his shoulders. "Sure, why not. I'll show you I live  
up to my namesake."

The two ran off somewhere. Just look for the rustling bushes.

THE CHALLENGE:

Edward brought them before the forest. "Okay. Now I know that the  
whole running across the sand thing was tricky." He stopped to roll  
his eyes. "But we've got to challenge you even harder. This week,"  
he motioned behind him. "You must climb a tree. You'll see we've  
even put little pegs so you can climb right up. Okay, now go!"

Lucky slugged himself toward the tree. "Damn! And I thought have NO  
sex was wearing me out! But son of a bitch!"

Luke was about to climb his tree. But he looked over and saw that  
Laura had pulled off her pants and was actually humping one of the  
pegs of her tree. He shook his head and laughed. "That's my crazy  
wife!" He looked at the camera. "No, really. She really is crazy,  
remember? It's not like she used to do this at home. Oh sure there  
was that one encounter with the fichus... Uhm, I'm just gonna go get  
her offa there."

Skye looked up at her tree. "Okay, screw this." She pulled out a  
white grape juice and plopped herself down in the sand.

Carly noticed this and began to get upset again. "Not only is that  
lady rude, but she's lazy as hell to boot! AAAAAAAA!" She went  
over and punched the nearest tree.

As you can probably guess, that tree was Lucky's. It fell over and  
crushed him beneath it.

Luke looked up in shock. "Oh my God! They killed Lucky!" He stood  
there and waited. Then looked back at Laura after a few seconds.

"Hold on just a sec... Ooooooo! Oh! Oh yeah! You're a bad  
little arbol aren't you? YES you are! Give it to me nature give  
it to me! Wooooo! Aaaaaaa!" She slid herself off her date,  
then cleared her throat as she walked over to Luke. When she got  
there she straightened her blouse before looking up and shaking her  
fist in the air. "You bastards! There, now let me find my pants."

THE VOTE:

Skye: Hi, it's me again. Same vote. You know, I thought I loved  
the guy but, after spending all this time trapped out here with him,  
I realized that he really pisses me off.

Laura: Uhm...yes. I'm voting for myself. Don't tell Luke, but I'm  
planning on running away with someone I just met today. His name's  
Palmy. He let me name him, isn't that so cute? He is a tree. But  
we talked about it and we're willing to look passed our differences.  
He's even asked me to marry him! Oh, we're going to be so happy!

Edward came back out with the tallied votes. "Okay, the second  
person to be kicked off the island is...Sonny. Please bring your  
undoubtedly 'imported coffee' up here." Edward took his torch and  
put it out.

Sonny hung his head low. "I coulda been somebody. I coulda been a  
contenda. But look at me, I'm just a mook." He slunk out of the  
tribal arena.

Edward smiled as he watched the man go. Then turned himself back to  
the camera. "A second person gone. How bitchy will Carly get with  
no midnight sheet tackle? Tune in next week to our next installment  
of Port Charles Survivor to find out."


	4. Week 4

Dun dikka dikka dikka dun dikka dikka dikka dun dikka dikka dikka!  
AAAAAOOOOOOOOO!

"Lucky! This is getting quite tedious young man. Your imbecilic  
verbosities astound me to a heightened plane of excitation than I have  
ever contemplated before!"

Lucky's body began to shake. "Words...too  
big...too..many...Head...can't..handle...!" Lucky got out some  
garbled wording before his head exploded. His shoulder down body  
slumped to the ground.

Luke heard the commotion and stood up to get a better look at what had  
happened. When he figured it out he screamed, "Oh my God! They  
killed Lucky!"

Laura was soon behind him shaking her fist in the air. "You  
bastards!"

"Well at least we got THAT over quick this week." Edward mumbled to  
himself. He then straightened himself out and addressed the  
camera. "Hello everyone, I'm your host Edward Quartermaine. Welcome  
back to our fourth week of the game. Well, we've really only been  
playing for three, but the shows been going on that long so we're  
forced to say that. Anyway, brief recap of last week. The group was  
to climb trees for their physical challenge. Some did that while  
others opted to hump their tree instead. And that miserable Sonny  
Corinthos was voted off the island. Lets see what our contestants  
are up to this week."

TRIBE MOBBOBKU:

"Well we tried to make them an offer they couldn't refuse, but they  
didn't listen so now my husband is gone. They will learn their  
mistake in due time."

Elizabeth stared off down the beach at where someone was  
swimming. "Uh hu, kill 'em all."

Carly pursed her lips and continued. "Anyway, aren't you at all sad  
about what happened to Lucky this morning?"

Elizabeth shrugged. "Saved me from having to break up with the  
loser. Excuse me." She went down the beach and approached the  
swimmer. "Hey Zander, come here." The two made waves all their own.

TRIBE COUPLEDUPOUS:

"Ah thin ah goda go tha tinkle!"

"Thash no porbl'm. Jus' go inyer pan's like I do. BURP!"

Skye looked back and forth between the two men. "You know A.J., it's  
to bad you're my cousin. I could actually catch the gist of what  
you were saying, no matter how ew it might be. I think I'd rather  
marry you. There are states that allow incest right?"

THE CHALLENGE:

"Once again, we must get a little bit harder with this next  
challenge. And, special note to SOME of our contestants, there will  
be NO humping the equipment." Edward shot a death stare at Laura.

She just shrugged her shoulders. "Well if you put something as hunky  
as that tree was in front of my face what the hell am I supposed to  
do? Suddenly be struck celibate? I don't think so!"

Edward rolled his eyes in disgust. "Anyway, your challenge this week  
is to suck all the milk out of a coconut with the straws we have  
placed in them. The first one to win gets immunity. And maybe  
someone will actually win this week since Lucky's already dead since  
he was the only one to even really TRY much less win these stupid  
things. Your challenge starts now."

Skye looked down at her coconut. "Oh screw this." She got out a  
bottle of sparkling coconut milk, plopped herself down, and just  
enjoyed the sun.

Elizabeth and Zander were off...making waves again.

Carly pulled out a Tommy gun and blew a hole in the side of the  
coconut, thinking she'd get the milk out faster. But it just made  
the milk spill out onto the sand. She looked at the fruit in  
disbelief. She made one of those annoyed throat clearing/cough  
noises as she put her hand on her hip. "Well shit."

"Eye god eet!" came from Jax's direction.

"You know, I'm not even playing this game." Skye commented from the  
ground. "But that really wasn't fair. He doesn't have anything in  
his head so he can't get dizzy."

A stupid laugh came through Jax's stupid grin. "O! I loves me Skye!"

THE VOTE:

Skye: Yeah, you know who. I just can't STAND him! And like I said,  
he totally cheated at the game today!

Zander: I'm voting for Elizabeth. Yeah yeah, I know I've got her  
right now. But, uhm, she's a hoe. And if she gets kicked off the  
island this week that means she won't be able to go with Jason in the  
next episode. I'll be the last one to have her. Go me!

Edward came back out with the tallied votes. He was surprised by  
what he found waiting for him.

"Hey old man. Dun dikka dun!"

"Just what the hell are you doing here Lucky?"

"Hey cool it. I would be back next week anyway. I haven't gotten  
here yet and I wanted to check it out. So I just came back a little  
early. Sorry if you have a problem with that."

"Oh trust me, I have a problem with all of you. Anyway, the third  
person to be kicked off the island is...Elizabeth."

"THANK YOU!" Zander, Lucky, and Jason said in unison.

Jason rubbed his forehead after his outburst. "Ow! Words hurt."

Elizabeth brought up her torch and Edward extinguished it. She put  
her finger to her chin. "Hmn... Okay, what other guys can I  
manipulate now? Oh! Lucas just got aged in a major way. Still just  
a bit statutory, but what'll it hurt to try. I can be his first.  
Not many guys get that privileged. Bye." Elizabeth waved them off  
and was on to her next conquest.

"Well, that's one whore...ahem...MORE off the island. Who will be  
next? And what is going to happen to Carly in a group of three sex  
starved young men? Tune in to the next installment of Port Charles  
Survivor for all the steamy answers. Good night."


	5. Week 5

Edward was fumbling something in between his hands.

Dun dikka dikka dikka dun THUNK! dikkaaaahhhuuuuu...!

Edward's coconut had hit Lucky square on the forehead.

It had also ruptured a blood vessel in his brain. Lucky made only a  
slight groan as he slumped to the ground. Then he was silent for the  
rest of the episode.

Luke gasped. "Oh my God, They killed Lucky!"

Laura instantly stood up. "You bastards!"

Edward just shook his head. "That is the God damnedest family I've  
ever seen." He straightened himself out and looked back to the  
camera. "Hello everyone. I'm your host Edward Quartermaine and  
welcome back to our fifth week of the game. Yeah yeah, I know the  
math doesn't work out. Who cares, shut up so I can tell you the  
recap. Brainless Jax won the physical challenge by sucking all the  
milk out of a coconut. Although Skye was complaining...well when  
doesn't she? Moving on. And uberwhore Elizabeth Webber was sent  
home. Now let's check in on our contestants.

TRIBE MOBBOBKU:

Zander was sitting by the fire shaking. His eyes were wild as he  
held his crotch tightly and shook back and forth. "E...Elizabeth,  
gone? No more sex every third episode? I...I can't go on like  
this."

Jason reached over to give Zander the back of his hand.

Zander rubbed his cheek. "You know, for a man a few words you sure  
are a jackass."

TRIBE COUPLEDUPOUS:

"Now look honey, all I'm sayin' is that the bark's gotta be pretty  
rough."

Laura hugged Palmy tightly. "I don't care Luke! We were meant to  
be together!"

"But, you're rubbin' yourself raw. You haven't noticed the whole  
peeing blood thing?"

"I'm just having my period." She leaned in close to Luke. "We're  
trying to have a baby."

"Oh but darlin', you can't do that to a kid. With his long neck and  
your wide hips, what's it gonna look like? But that's beside the  
point. You've got to step outside the situation and look at the  
bigger picture."

Laura put her chin to her hand and though. "You're right. Why have  
the tree..." Her head perked up as she saw it. "When I could have  
the whole ocean! Oh thank you Luke!" She ran off down the beach  
and into the water. She sat there like a buoy leaning back and  
forth, humping the water.

Luke's eyebrow went up. "What the hell is she gonna hit out there?"

THE CHALLENGE:

Edward once again brought them before the trees. "Okay, you know the  
drill, the challenge gets harder every week. Well, we are rethinking  
that a bit. We're starting to feel sorry for you ingrates. Anyway,  
you'll notice that there are ropes hanging from the trees. All  
you've got to do is climb to the top. Go!"

Most of the group ran forward. However Laura kind of swaggered over  
to her tree. "Hey. How have you been? Me? Oh I'm good. Have you  
found someone else? Oh really? Still single? Wow, hard to believe  
with a hunk of burnin' tree love like you." She rubbed her fingers  
over its trunk. "Oh yeah, you like that don't you you dirty  
bastard? Uh hu! Oh God take me, take me now!" Words were left  
behind as old lovers reunited.

Also left behind was Skye. She had decided to screw it in a  
different way. She pulled out a bottle of grape juice and plopped  
herself down in the sand.

Jason was having a good time. He was swinging from his rope and  
singing at the top of his lungs. "George, George, George of the  
jungle strong as he can be. George, George, George of the jungle  
watch out for that" WUMP! He wasn't paying attention to where  
he was swinging and had flattened himself up against a random  
trunk. "Well son of a bitch, shoulda seen that coming." He fell off  
backward onto the ground below.

Zander looked at him and snickered. "George of the jungle? Wish  
Elizabeth could see how stupid and juvenile you're acting like right  
now." He snickered once more before swinging from rope to rope and  
letting out a fierce Tazan yelp.

Carly sat triumphantly on the top of her tree. But a slight gust of  
wind came and took her away.

THE VOTE:

Zander: I'm V...v...voting for myself cause... ME SO HORNY!  
Sucky sucky five dolla' sucky sucky five dolla'? Please! Anyone?  
I've got five dolla'! Sucky sucky?

Skye: Hey. Believe it or not I actually changed my vote this week.  
I'm voting for that little Zander creep. I don't really know what  
that sucky sucky thing is. But I was insulted that he only offered  
me five dollars for it! The NERVE of some people!

Edward came out with the tallied votes. "The fourth person to be  
kicked off the island is...Jason."

Zander flew out of his seat. "NO! He goey back to Port Charles. He  
get boing boing from super slut. I voted for MYSELF for Christ's  
sake! Come on people!"

Jason brought up his torch and it was extinguished. He smiled back  
at Zander. "Sucky sucky no dolla' bitch!" he said before rushing out  
of the tribal area.

Zander made a few incoherent noises before falling to the ground and  
curling up into himself.

"Well, that's all the time we have for today. Join us next time when  
we'll try to get Zander out of this little ball he's in. Bring your  
crowbar for the next installment of Port Charles Survivor. Good  
night everyone."


	6. Week 6

Dun dikka dikka dikka dun dikka dikkaCLICK CLICKBOOM!You  
diiiiiiiickuhhhhhhh!

Lucky grabbed his chest and fell over backward off his log.

Edward smiled as he wiped off his still smoking gun. He let a little  
laugh out of himself. "This just keeps getting easier and easier."  
He stood there, waiting to address the camera. His eyes peeked  
toward the right sides of their sockets.

Luke crossed his arms. "What? That really was getting pretty  
annoying." Luke stared back at Edward as he continued to  
pause. "WHAT?" He sighed and threw his arms in the air. "Okay,  
fine fine. Oh my God they killed Lucky." he said with little  
enthusiasm.

Laura stood up and violently shouted. "You bastards!"

Luke was the one to address the camera. "Well she can't help it.  
She's a crack pot remember?"

Edward cleared his throat to get the attention back to him. "Hello,  
I'm your host Edward Quartermaine welcoming you back to the sixth week  
of the game. Here's a quick recap in case you missed last week.  
Although, if you did, just read the post before this one. Ah, what  
the hell, here goes. Carly won the immunity challenge. Although she  
didn't really need to seeing as how she was carried away by a gust of  
wind and wasn't even at the voting session. And, the man who just  
won't keep his finger off his mute button, Jason Morgan, went home to  
have some fun with the Blue Whore Special that was kicked off the  
previous week. Now, lets check in on our players shall we?

TRIBE MOBBOBKU:

Zander was running around on all fours, sniffing this and that. Once  
he found something with a hole, he measured it to see if it would fit  
him. But nothing was working.

"OH! Meesa no gets me fucksies!" His face lit up and he stuck his  
finger in the air. "Meesa gonna need dig hole in ground!"

He began working on that, but was soon distracted. Something was  
crashing through the trees up above. Soon it came in to sight as  
Carly "Oof"ed onto the ground.

She dusted herself off. "Man! That was quite a trip. Maybe I  
should check out some of that...oh, what's it called? Oh yeah, food!"

Zander came over and began rubbing his head up against her and  
purring like a kitten. He looked up at her gladly. "Why I need hole  
in ground when I got hoe on ground?"

Carly stood to run away from him, flailing her arms wildly as she  
went. "No, no! Get away from me!"

Zander chased after her. "But...you're my air mail package from  
UPS! Sure I ordered a bit more cushioning, but I think you'll ride  
just fine."

TRIBE COUPLEDUPOUS:

"Ees uh fin' dae two bee een th' soon!"

Skye rolled her eyes. "It might be if I weren't anywhere near you."

"Don you liek mee beein heer with you luvah?"

"No, no I don't. Especially since I left my English to Jax  
dictionary at home!"

THE CHALLENGE:

Edward led them to the edge of the water. "Now, as you know, the  
challenges get harder every week. This week you must walk out into  
the water until it reaches your waist. Then walk back to the shore.  
I know this seems harrowing, but if you want immunity you'll get it  
done. Okay, go!"

Skye cocked her head to one side to look out over the water. "Oh  
screw this!" she mumbled. She pulled out a bottle of ginger ale and  
began to sip it.

Carly took one step out, just enough so the water was over her  
ankles, before she fell down and started moving away from shore. She  
began thrashing wildly. "Oh my God Edward! Call off the game! The  
current is draggin' me out!"

Edward's brow went down in concentration. "I don't really see a  
current Carly."

Luke stopped to check it out. "Yeah. In fact, the water's perfectly  
still, 'cept for the commotion you're causin'."

Carly trashed and screamed well out of site.

Zander hadn't noticed the departure of his only teammate. He was up  
on shore discussing "loving" his environment with Laura.

A.J. got about halfway out, then threw up in the water. This sent  
everyone that was actually trying rushing back to the shore. A.J.  
got out to his waist deep point. He turned around to cheer his  
victory. Then he passed out face first into the water. Eventually  
the tide brought him back up to shore.

Edward shrugged. "Well, uhm. Technically A.J. is the winner since  
no one else actually completed the stunt. So A.J. is safe in the  
vote tonight. See you all then." Edward disappeared somewhere up  
shore into the jungle.

Everyone stood around A.J. watching him.

Luke was the first to speak. "He okay?"

Skye put her hand to her chin. "I don't know. Maybe we should poke  
him with a stick or something."

"DIBS!" Zander declared as he ran up the shore unzipping his pants.

Skye stopped him and smacked his hand. "No! Bad boy, bad Zander.  
Besides that's not what I meant. And ew!"

THE VOTE:

Skye: Hey. I changed my vote back this week. I would have voted  
for Zander again cause he's kinda freaky now that his lost his mind  
due to sex deprivation. But hey, I'm just hitting my sexual peak so  
he could be kinda fun to keep around.

Zander: Uh, I voted for Skye. I know I'm just a bit nuts, seeing as  
how mine are about to exPLODE! Ahem Anyway. But I hear women  
reach their sexual peak around her age and that chick's got some  
issues to begin with. I don't know if she'd release all that anger  
in bed. That pure hate fueled passionate energy...Hm? Can I  
change my vote? Damn! Stupid rassa fraggin system.

Edward came out with the tallied votes. The fifth person to be  
kicked off the island is...Skye."

"Oh thank God!" she cried as she sprinted up front. "Seriously Jax.  
If I'd have had to have listened to any more of your incoherent  
babbling I think I just might have hung myself with my own bra  
strap." She looked over at Zander. "My own, lacy, bra strap." She  
did some growling noises and gave him a wink. She mouthed the  
words "Call me" to him and backed out of the tribal area.

Zander sat completely still before falling straight over onto the  
ground. He just laid there, staring at the fire.

"Well, that's it for this episode. Maybe we can get poor poor Zander  
some sucky sucky in the near future. Tune in next time to find out  
on Port Charles Survivor. Good night all."


	7. Week 7

Dun...dikka dikka dikka. Dun dikka dikka...dikka dun dikka dikka  
dikka! Lucky looked both ways before continuing. AAAAAOOOOOOOOO!

He looked over at Edward and crossed his arms. "Where were you on  
that one man?"

Edward laughed in response, then sent Lucky a death gaze. "You never  
let them see you coming dear boy."

Lucky slunk into his seat and put his hands over his head.

Edward slyly smiled, but wiped it away before he looked toward the  
camera. "Hello. This is your host Edward Quartermaine welcoming you  
back for the next week of our little game. Here's a quick recap of  
last week. A.J. won the challenge by drunken default. And scheming  
Skye was kicked out. Okay, let's check in with our tribes shall we?

TRIBE MOBBOBKU:

"D...did you hear what he said to me?"

Zander gave an annoyed sigh and rolled his eyes. "For the fiftieth  
time Lucky, YES! He said he wouldn't let you see him coming! Now  
goodnight." Zander rolled over violently. He then looked back  
slowly and smiled. "Oh and sweet dreams." he said in a soothingly  
nice voice. he then rolled back over and went to sleep.

Lucky's eyes darted back and forth between all the darkness around  
him. Until something fell from the treetops above.

Lucky freaked out completely, running around screaming "It's got me  
it's got me!" over and over again.

"Shaddap would ya? Why I outta..." Carly mumbled as she picked  
small branches from her hair. "Stupid water! If that seagull hadn't  
found me and carried me back to shore..."

Zander got up and hugged her tightly. "Carly!" He began moaning  
and rubbing up against her. "Mmmm. So warm, soft, and vagina filled."

Carly pushed him away. "Sorry Zander, but those balls are gonna pop  
in their boxers before they get near me."

Zander shook his fists up and down. "D...d...DAMN!" He then  
noticed what motion his hands were going in. "Hey, now there's an  
idea." He giggled like a schoolgirl and took off for the woods.

TRIBE COUPLEDUPOUS:

"Sea wuz me onlee luv. Now eye don...hafe...nuthin! Waaahahaha!"  
Jax's face fell into his hands, which he cried freely on.

A.J. patted Jax's back. "Ish oky. Sheesh jush a womn. Got nuthin  
that we need."

"Shept pushay! Aaaaahahahahahah!" Jax cradled his face in his hands  
again.

THE CHALLENGE:

Edward brought the group to a wide area of the beach. "Okay, this  
week you'll have to rely on your creativity. Build me a sandcastle.  
The most elaborate one wins. Start building."

Carly began digging to get some extra sand. She ended up digging  
into a hole of some sort. While reaching for some more sand, the wind  
blew, making her lose her balance and fall in. The wind continued to  
blow, covering up the hole and leaving Carly in the ground.

After everyone else was done, they stood by their creations. Edward  
started out with Mobbobku.

Zander had went the other way. Instead of building up, he just dug a  
hole in the ground, which he proceeded to start fucking.

Lucky was smiling big as Edward came his way. He had written "Please  
don't kill me!" in the sand.

Edward smiled slyly and moved on to Coupledupous.

A.J. had had a castle, but it had crumbled after he had vomited on  
it. Then he peed the rest down.

Edward shook his head as he walked up to Jax's brain dead  
smile. "Jax, I said castle, not kangaroo."

Luke had built a replica of his bar. He elbowed Edward in the  
ribs. "Hey, just cause I'm all the way out here don't mean I can't  
get some free advertisin' right?"

Edward rejoiced when he landed on Laura's creation. She had built  
many balconies, towers, and turrets to her grand castle. Edward  
declared her the winner.

She giggled. "Well I had to make it so big. How else is Palmy gonna  
fit in there with me?"

THE VOTE:

Lucky: Um... I'm voting for Edward. Please tell me that's allowed.

A.J.: I votin fr Jaxsh. He thinks wer fren's, jus cuz we cin  
undersand each othr.

Edward went back to tally the votes.

Lucky sat there wringing his hands and looking every which  
way. "He..he's gonna come out with another gun, or a wild animal,  
or...Sarah! I can't take this! AAAAAA!" Lucky screamed as  
he threw himself onto the fire. He twitched a bit but eventually gave  
up and let himself smolder.

Luke stared at him. "Um...He killed himself..." He looked at Laura  
and shrugged.

"Uhm...he's a...a bastard, or something?"

Edward came out and took a big whiff of what the camp fire was  
cooking. "Ah, the sweet smell of victory. Anyway, the sixth person  
to be kicked off the island is...Jax. Please bring me your torch."

Jax leaned over and hugged A.J. tightly. "G'bi budday. See ya in  
Pert Churles!"

"Yeah yeah, I voted for yer ass."

Jax kept his goofy smile as he went up front, then all the way out of  
the tribal area.

"So ends another episode. Be sure to join us here for the next  
edition of Port Charles Survivor. Good night all."


	8. Week 8

Dun dikka dikka dikka dun dikka dikka dikka dun dikka dikka  
dikka! AAAAAOOOOOOOOO!

Edward shot up straight. "What the blue devil...?"

Laura held up a shaky hand. In it was a small tape recorder. "This  
is my Lucky. The last words I'll probably ever hear him speak." She  
couldn't say anything else, she just flubbered into tears.

Edward only smiled. It probably took up the whole lens of the  
camera. "Hello, I'm your host Edward Quartermaine. Welcome back to  
our eighth week of the game. As for our recap. Good news can be  
heard. Lucky threw himself into the fire and hasn't came back  
since. Although that damn tape just brought me back to reality. And  
Jax, the incomprehensible aussie, was sent home."

"You're damn right he was!"

Edward looked over to where the sound came from. A pissed Skye was  
walking toward him. She got up to him and stood there. She put her  
hands on her hips and glared at the contestants as her foot  
tapped. "I finally get some God damn peace and quiet and what do I  
hear a few days later? 'He Skye luv. Ahm hume. Le may geev ya sum  
looovin durlin!' I was trying to get that guy kicked out for WEEKS!  
And you bastards send him home RIGHT AFTER ME? If you're not a  
bitch your a son of one. I hate you all." With that she stalked off  
down the beach, back to wherever she had come from.

Edward cleared his throat and looked back to his camera. "A deeper  
recap, that bitch needs to get laid. Anyway, back to the game."

TRIBE MOBBOBKU:

Zander was sitting all by himself, just looking around and feeling  
depressed. He was very lonely and he couldn't find anything that he  
hadn't already stuck his dick into. That's when the figure crawled  
out of the ground. He smiled happily. "Hey there's something!"

Carly glared at him. "I don't know what that comment meant, but if  
you come near me you won't have to worry about being horny cause I'll  
Bobbitt you."

Zander got a look of fear. He quickly put his hands in front of his  
crotch. However too fast, as he ended up racking himself. His  
cheeks flushed out their color. He made a slight whimper before  
falling straight backward off of his log.

Carly rolled her eyes. "Great. I finally dig my way out of the mole  
tunnels and THIS is what I get to come back to?"

TRIBE COUPLEDUPOUS:

Luke had one arm around Laura's shoulders while the other one's hand  
was patting her back.

"But...he's...GONE!" she managed to get out between sobs.

"Honey, don't worry. Lucky'll be back. Don't you get it? It's a  
runnin' gag darlin'."

Laura stifled a sniffle. "S...so, he'll be back by the end of the  
episode?"

"Sure. Of course, it'll be just to die again. But we can get him  
back for a few seconds at least."

Laura was able to smile. "Okay. If you say so. I always trust you  
Luke. Even if I do cheat on you behind your back with shrubbery."

THE CHALLENGE:

Edward stood before them on the beach. His smile was just as wide as  
it had been, if not wider. A mischievous sparkle was in his  
eye. "I've talked with the officials and they've agreed to call off  
today's immunity challenge. On the grounds that we leave Lucky dead  
and move on."

Carly snickered. "Fine by me. Screw this."

Zander let out a small whimper. "Screw? Oh I wish I could." He  
looked down at the bulge in his pants. "Swelling is such a bad  
thing!"

THE VOTE:

Edward's smile was about to split his face in half as it grew to it's  
epiphany. "The eighth person to be kicked out of the island, or  
denied life as the case may be, is LUCKY!"

Laura gasped. "No, no. This can't be."

Luke rubbed her shoulders. "But it is darlin'. Sorry."

Tears began to form. "Well, at least we stayed true to our son."

Luke's eyes wandered. "Yeah yeah. Of course you did."

Laura's eyes slanted slightly. "WE did. Didn't WE?"

Luke looked at Laura. "Yeah. Like I said you did."

Laura grabbed a branch and smacked Luke with it. "You voted for him  
too didn't you Luke?"

"Well yeah, that runnin' gag was only funny the first few times.  
Good lord, how did those guys do that for so long with that Kenny kid  
I'll never understand?"

Laura stood up. "You killed Lucky." She swung her arm back, then  
let it fly toward Luke. The 'SMACK' shook some leaves off the  
tree. "You BASTARD!" She ran off into the darkness. But she  
returned a few seconds later. She shook her first at the rest of the  
contestants. "You bastards!" Then she was off into the woods  
again.

"Well, will we continue our Spencer eviction? Find out next time.  
Please join us for a Luckyless Port Charles Survivor. I know I  
will. Even if they WEREN'T paying me an assload of money!  
Goodnight all."


	9. Week 9

Edward looked both ways, up and down, backwards and forwards. All  
while holding a goofy grin on his  
face. "Hi...Edward...he...Lucky...no noise... hehehe!...!" A  
small line of drool slipped out of his grin and dropped to the ground  
at his feet.

Two men in white coats ran up the beach. They took Edward by each  
arm and started leading him away. "Come on mister Quartermaine,  
we'll get you some rest.

Edward let out a deep, crazed chuckle. "M'kay. Lead the way Zorro."

Carly stood up and did the only thing she knew how to do in these  
situations. Bitch. "Okay, just what is going on here? I am NOT  
getting stuck out on this island any longer than I have to! This  
game better get its ass in gear and get a goin'!"

"Sit down Carly, we've taken care of that." Monica demanded.

"Yes. After watching the way Lucky was being a pain in the ass, we  
had a feeling father may end up needing some mental assistance over  
his joy of finally getting rid of the boy. We've been prepared to  
step in for weeks now." Alan disclosed.

"That's why Alan and I prepared a backup host."

As soon as A.J. was able to see through his drunken haze and  
recognize the figure walking up the beach, he shot upright. "Ned?  
What th' fuk'r you doon here?"

"Please Junior. Don't tell me your brain can't figure out how this  
is working. Let it come up for air every once in a while would you?  
You know I always save grandfather's ass. Always. Why should this  
be any different?"

A.J. shrugged. "Got no idea. Just gonna puke now." Which he bent  
over the log and did.

"And, as Monica and I are prone to, we are going to leave Ned  
completely helpless. Buh bye!"

The two waved and backed up down the beach where they jumped into a  
helicopter and took off quickly.

Ned's eyebrow went up. "Yep, that was pretty much right on time."  
He smiled and faced the camera. "Hello everyone. I'm your guest  
host Ned Quartermaine welcoming you back to the next week of the  
game. If you missed last week then all you missed was Lucky getting  
killed off for good. Don't worry, he didn't come back for a big  
flashy finish or anything, he just didn't show back up and this group  
of backstabbers extinguished his torch so he couldn't come back."

"Yeah, you all killed Lucky... You bastards!" Laura shook her  
head. "Oh GOD why can't I stop doing that?" She burst into tears  
and took off down the beach.

Ned smiled. "Great. Great start. A complete disaster. Well,  
everything else about this has went as normal so why shouldn't that?  
Anyway, let's check in with our groups now."

TRIBE COUPLEDUPOUS:

"Shun ov a bich!"

"Wire you talkin' like that Luke?"

"Oh, sorry. just thought it might help us conversate if I talked yer  
language."

"Oh. Well shun ov a bich! Nope. My brain's so drowned it ain't  
catchin' nothin'! Wi you wan in to chat?"

"Well, I know you hate your brother and my wife hates me.  
So...well...why am I talking to you? I don't really like you.

"Hay buddy, join th' club. They meet at, like, sevin clock on  
Thrrrsday nights. Chipsh 'n dip'r provided."

TRIBE MOBBOBKU:

Zander twiddled his thumbs as he stared like a dumbass at  
Carly. "Sssso. We're all alone now for sure."

Carly rolled her eyes. "Yeah. That's so great for me. The only  
female stuck with Atilla the Horndog."

"Oh oh hey, I'm over that!"

Carly's eyebrow slid up. "No more humpin' the ground or whatever's  
in your path?"

"Nope. I don't think there's a hole that big." Zander pointed down  
at his oversized crotch. "This thing just won't stop growing!"

Carly's brow slid even further. "Hey...maybe we can work something  
out after all."

THE CHALLENGE:

Ned led the group to the council area. "Okay everyone. The  
producers thought, since your host went crazy and you were under  
enough stress dealing with that, that they'd call off the immunity  
challenge again this week."

Carly rolled her eyes. "Oh yeah, we're TOTALLY torn up about it."

"That's their idea. Also I think it's because they're out of ideas  
for games." Ned whispered to them.

"No way!" Zander interjected. "The writer...er, I mean producers  
are far too talented for that. Their heads have to be filled with  
ideas!" Zander smiled around, mumbling "Please don't write me out  
this week." over and over under his breath.

"Anyway, no one is safe in tonight's vote. So let's get to it."

THE VOTE:

Laura: Yep. My husband's going down.

Luke: Well, I hate to do this to my darlin', but, if I don't get her  
off this island I think she might kill me in my sleep.

Ned came back out with the tallied votes. "Okay, the eighth person  
to be kicked off the island is...Luke. Please bring me your torch."

"What? Me?" He looked back at his wife who greeted him with an evil  
smile. Luke then looked around at everyone else. "Thank you! Now  
I've got time to go home and disappear! See y'all later. Oh, no  
wait, no I won't! Haha!" Luke threw his torch at Ned and ran off  
into the woods laughing and hollering all the way.

"Okay well..." Ned was interrupted by a cell phone call. "Hello?  
Really? Well okay, I'll let them know." He hung the phone up and  
stuck it in his pocket. "Okay everyone, there's a bad storm coming  
this way so we're gonna have to bunker down for about a month. They  
say there's a cave on the other side of the island. We're gonna  
leave right now." Ned turned back to the camera. "Well, join us in  
about mid January for the next edition of Port Charles Survivor.  
Unless of course, you just want this storm to carry off the rest of  
the castaways. I would be all for that. There's got to come a point  
where I screw things up and grandfather hates me forever for it, so  
maybe this'll be it. I'll either see you or I won't. Bye."


	10. Week 10

Ned slowly poked his head out of the cave mouth. He took in a deep  
breath of the calm sea air. He then walked back into the  
cave. "Okay everyone. it looks pretty safe out there."

"Gee Ned, yuh shurr? Can't hear any wind r rain. Was that yer frst  
clue?"

Ned shrugged. "Actually yes."

A.J. fidgeted. "Son ov a bich." he mumbled quickly.

"And just where the hell have you been getting your alcohol this  
past month and a half? Your stash was probably blown away."

A.J. held out a bottle in front of him. "Sco-pe. Takin' it  
slow. 'Sides, it's sorta in my body like blubr is ina walrs."

"Ah, okay that one I get." Ned stepped out of the cave and flipped  
out his phone. "Hey, the storms finally gone. What do you want to  
do with them? Okay, yeah, I think I can handle that. Alright." He  
flipped it closed and walked back inside. "Okay everyone, it's safe  
to get out of here so come into the light." He made a quick review  
of the people there. "Hey where's Carly?"

"Didn't you see her?" Zander asked. "She followed you out when you  
went to make your call."

"Oh, okay. I thought that was a stick that had fallen out of the  
tree. Guess that explains why it started bitching about random  
things. You know, she wasn't all that huge before and now she hasn't  
eaten for weeks. If she was emaciated before what does that make her  
now? She does still scientifically exist right?"

Ned led them outside. "Okay, lets see. Welcome back fans to our  
next week of this little game. This storm took a bit longer than we  
thought. But here we are again. Let's see... Last time Luke went  
home happily. Bet he's really good and gone by now." He turned his  
attention to the players. "Your game is simple today. Who do you  
hate the most?"

"Carly." came unyieldingly out of three mouths in unison.

"Ex-CUSE me? What?"

"Cm on Carly babes. Donchu evr think about how you aint got iny  
frens in Port Carlss?"

"Yeah, you are kinda a bitch." Laura added.

"That's for sure." Zander finished.

Carly scoffed and ran to get her torch. But the wind suddenly  
shifted and blew a bit of fire into her hair, igniting it immediately.

Ned looked back and forth. "Okay... Uhm... Anybody got a clue  
which one's the torch?"

"I'd say it's the one that isn't running in circles screaming 'Help  
me, put me out put me out please!' "

"Well yeah but, what if it's a magical torch Zander? I mean come on,  
Carly saying PLEASE? I just can't buy that."

Zander rubbed his chin. "Hmn? Good point."

Ned held his snuffer tight in his hand. He took a swing at one of  
the fired things in front of him. He stared down at it. "Well, it  
yelped on the way down? What do you suppose that means?"

Zander shrugged. "If it's a magical torch don't you suppose it could  
talk too?"

"You're probably right." Ned walked over to the remaining fiery  
thing. He lightly patted it on its head to put it out. "Sorry about  
that Carly. You alright?"

It stood there in silence.

"Too traumatic to talk huh? Well, just think you get to go home to  
your loving husband Sonny now. We're getting the hell out of here  
before that magic torch comes to and kicks our asses." Ned looked  
quickly at the camera. "Well, that's all for this week. We'll try  
to have everything in order by our next showing. Bye."

Ned and his group fled quickly down the beach. They didn't see the  
figure lift it's head off the ground. "M...mother fuckers." Then it  
groaned and passed back out.


	11. Week 11

"Hello everyone I'm your host Ned Quartermaine. I'll start with a  
quick recap of last week. We finally got out of the cave just in  
time to kick Carly out of the game and piss off Harry Potter's tiki  
lantern. Anyway, I welcome you back for the next to last episode of  
Port Charles Survivor. That's right, we get it down to our last two  
contestants tonight, so let's get the game rolling and get one of  
these little shits on their way huh?"

TRIBE MOBBOBKU:

Zander waved at the camera. "Hey America. It's me. Zander. All  
alone. No one to talk to. Hey, you want to play cards Mr.  
cameraman? I...it'll be fun! We can even play strip if you want."

"But...you're already naked?" came a voice from behind the camera.

Zander laughed and shook his head. "Well yeah. But that's only  
because I'm the only one around and my pants don't really fit all  
that well anymore, kindy grabby you know? They just didn't stop  
growing after I racked myself a few episodes back. I mean, I jack  
off a few times a day to relieve the pressure, but here my balls are,  
big and dangly. ... H...hey? Where ya goin'? I thought we were  
gonna have happy fun time! I promise I won't try to fuck you or  
anything!"

Zander let his head fall into his lap. "I've changed. Why won't  
anybody believe me?" He stayed like that for a few seconds longer,  
thinking of something. "Hmm? I wonder how flexible I really am."

TRIBE COUPLEDUPOUS:

"So, I'm drunk. Yer ugly, fat, and horney. Wanna do sumthin  
togethr?"

"No A.J. Sorry but, my heart belongs to another."

"Ah yeah, Luke."

Laura giggled. "Uh, yes. Luke. My completely non leafy, un rooted  
husband. I mean that too. About the roots. Have you seen Luke's  
head lately? Hard to miss since it ain't hid by hair anymore."

THE CHALLENGE:

Ned led them to the cave they had hid in during the storm. "Okay,  
just to make the suspense kill our viewers tonight, this game isn't  
for immunity. It's for something even better."

A half naked woman, followed by a half naked man walked out.

Laura stood silent, looking back and forth between the two new people  
and a little flower growing out of the cave wall. She winked at it  
and made kissy motions at it.

Zander stared and drooled.

A.J. stared, drooled, threw up, then pissed on himself.

"This is Romeo and Juliet. I'm not kidding. Look them up. As you  
can guess, you could find them in the yellow pages under "e" for  
escorts. But we know they're flat out whores. Anyway, the first  
person to get out of this cave gets to spend a sensual night with the  
slut of their choice. I won't tell grandfather so don't worry about  
your sexual preference Junior."

A.J. just laughed. "Seshual prefince. Those r two fun e words put  
tugether. He he."

"Anyway, go!"

A.J. was too busy laughing at words he was making up to get anywhere.

Zander was running for all of his might. But Laura came up close  
behind him.

"You're not gonna mess up my chances at being with that sweet piece  
of petunia ass back there?"

"Oh you mean Juliet?"

Laura's face twitched. "Y...yeah." She made a feral yell and mowed  
Zander down. She quickly reached the mouth of the cave. She stepped  
out and smiled. Then she headed back in, stepping on her road kill as  
she passed by it.

Zander groaned, peeled himself off the ground, then walked slowly  
behind her, completely defeated.

Ned clapped as Laura came up to him. "Bravo. That was great. I  
mean, you're pretty fat and you still trucked it out there. Anyway,  
which of these cheap tricks are you going to choose?"

Laura looked back and forth, then hung her head in shame. "I...I  
can't do it."

Ned's brow went down. "You're giving up your reward?"

"WHAT!" was Zander's shout that shook a bat or two awake.

"I just can't do it. It would be like cheating on my beloved."

Ned shook his head. "Oh yeah, Luke."

Laura put on a fake smile. "That's what people keep saying so yeah."

Ned shrugged. "Okay. That's that. Thanks you syphilis trodden  
scum of society. Go home. As for you contestants, you may go back  
to your camps as well. Rest up for the tribal council tonight."

The hookers when their way and a few of the contestants went theirs.

But Zander just stood there frozen, staring off into space with a  
blank stare. "Uhhu." he whimpered before falling over sideways.

THE VOTE:

Laura: I'm voting for Zander. Just cause he's on the only remaining  
member of the other team. And I'm afraid if he stays around another  
day he might decide to treat me like shore leave.

Zander: I'm voting for A.J. Cause that bitch is gonna pay. In a  
most horrible way. And...uhm..not through the use of bad poetry.

Ned came out with the tallied votes. "The tenth and final person to  
be voted out is...A.J."

"What? Howzat possibll? Laurneye am a team. We stuck togethr n  
formed and alliance and all that."

Ned's face twisted in confusion. "Uh, you voted for yourself  
Junior." Ned pulled up a scribbled on piece of parchment. "Only a  
drunken idiot would have written like this. And, seeing as how you  
qualify for both of those, we get this memory tonight."

A.J. stared for a second. "Well piss. No no wait." A.J. stuck his  
hand down the back side of his pants. "Nope, it's the other one."

Ned's face scrunched into disgust. "Look don't even worry about  
bringing me your torch. I can get that you just get out of here and,  
for God's sake wash your hands with Clorox."

"K." With that, A.J. began his journey down losers walk. Stopping  
to throw up in the woods a time or two. He almost made it to the  
cabin, but passed out right at the front door.

Ned just took a deep breath and shook his head. "Anyway, join us  
next week when we'll find out who's won Port Charles Survivor. Good  
night everyone."


	12. Week 12

Ned gave the camera a big smile. "Hello everyone. I'd like to  
welcome you back to our twelfth and final week of the game. Tonight  
we'll find out who the winner of Port Charles Survivor is. It'll be  
an exciting game so..."

Ned was interrupted when his cell phone rang. He made a nervous  
laugh at the camera. He held up his index finger toward  
it. "Uh...just a sec."

He listened to the other person for a few seconds. He agreed to  
whatever they said and quickly hung up. "Okay, apparently I'm  
supposed to repeat the fact that the winner will be found out  
tonight. I'm supposed to repeat it many times. Every time we go to  
commercial in fact. Luckily we don't have those so I guess we'll  
just have to get on with the game." Ned rolled his eyes. "They also  
wanted me to repeat over and over that there was going to be a  
SHOCKING TWIST at the end. Maybe I'll remind them that that was 'Joe  
Millionaire' later. Anyway, tonight the winner WILL be revealed. It  
will, it will, I promise. Well, the publicity hungry execs do  
anyway. As for last week, A.J. got voted out thanks to himself. So  
here we go with the LAST episode where the winner WILL be  
revealed...eventually."

THE TRIBE:

Laura looked at Zander nervously. "Well, it's...uhm...a good thing  
they consolidated the tribes for this last night. I would have been  
kind of lonely out here by myself."

Zander glared back at her with a crazy look in his eyes. "Yes well,  
having me around's gonna be a whole lot better. Yes... I'm certain  
it will you hooker stealing beeyotch!"

Laura slowly laid herself down on the ground. "Yes well, I think,  
for both of our safety, I'll just keep this one eye open tonight.  
Goodnight." Laura's face remained toward Zander, one eyes closed,  
the other open as promised.

Zander sat there feeling uneasy. He moved his head around to get a  
look at it from all sides. Eventually he found a small stick. He  
took a slow jab at the eye, making it jiggle. He took a few more  
pokes with the same result.

"Oh now that's just fucking creepy." he mumbled to himself.

THE CHALLENGE:

Ned led them to the top of a cliff. Another cliffside was across the  
way, but there was a small valley in between them.

"Okay, this last game will help determine who the winner is." Ned  
turned his attention to the camera. "Who WILL be revealed tonight.  
Remember?" Then he looked back at the contestants. "It'll involve  
some teamwork. You've got to get from one side to the other using  
the utensils we've given you here." Ned went over and patted Zander  
on his shoulder. "There sure are lots of sharp, blunt, pointy things  
here aren't there?"

Zander sent a crazy smirk to Laura. "Yes...there certainly are."

Ned shrugged. "Well get to building something with them."

Laura shook a bit. "Uhm...maybe we should see how high up we  
actually are, measure the distances and everything." She went over  
and began looking around. "Okay, this looks to be about the depth of  
the Grand Canyon. And we're at least a Wal Mart parking lot across  
and we can't forget the updrafts that AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"  
Laura screamed all the way down the valley.

Zander walked away from the cliff's edge, clapping his hands together  
to dust them off.

THE VOTE:

Ned stood before the two contestants. "Okay, now we've been  
broadcasting your actions of the last few days to a hut on the other  
side of the island. You're old teammates have took tally of what  
you've done and decided which one of you is more deserving of this  
money." Ned turned to smile big for the camera. "And we'll find out  
who it is right now...plus one week. Goodnight."


	13. Week 13 FINAL WEEK!

Ned smiled at the camera. "Hey there, glad to see you back after  
last week's surprising twist! Which of course was that we jerked you  
around and didn't actually give you the answer to who won at the  
end. Bet it shocked ya huh? Not that there's a whole lot of people  
that care in the first place. I know most of you were probably  
hoping that that storm would have come sooner and carried all the  
contestants away."

A rousing round of throat clearings went through the area.

"Oh, right, sorry. Got a bit off topic there. Anyway, I'm your host  
Ned Quartermaine welcoming you back for the thirteenth and final week  
of Port Charles Survivor. Yes we've come a long way and seen a lot  
of things. And fortunately lost a lot of people along the way.  
Let's reminisce now..."

"Let's not." Zander interrupted.

"But we've got to..."

"Get on with it!" Zander interrupted a second time.

"Get on with it!" Laura agreed.

"Yes, get on with it!" came a British veiled addition.

All three jumped at the strangely dressed man that suddenly appeared  
in the area.

Ned, being the one in charge, thought he'd figure out what was going  
on. "Who are you?"

"There are some who call me...Tim."

"Ah, Tim, well I think you're looking for a different spoof. This is  
General Hospital making fun of Survivor. I think Holy Grail stuff is  
down a little bit. Third hallway on your right."

The figure pulled itself up to its fullest height. "I see. Good day  
to you then." He started to walk out, but stopped to outstretch his  
hand, making a small explosion on the ground. He continued to do so  
until he was way out of sight.

"Anyway, without further delay... Except for the dramatic pause the  
producers told me to make here. The winner of Port Charles Survivor  
is...Laura."

Laura began to jump and holler.

Zander sat there in disbelief. "First she steals my whore, then she  
takes my money so I can't buy a whore. How the hell am I going to  
get a whore?"

Elizabeth Webber stepped out of the darkness. "Was somebody calling  
for me? I'm sure I heard my name at least three times."

Ned gave an annoyed sigh. "Damnit Elizabeth! We were trying to make  
it look like we were still out on the island! Ah fuck it, nobody  
cares anyway. Lights please!" Ned shouted into the darkness. A few  
seconds after he did, bright overhead lights came on, revealing a  
stage and an empty auditorium.

Ned looked out at the uncrowd. "Well...uhm, there might be viewers  
at home, so we'll still go through this." Ned took his seat in front  
of the contestants. "Okay, we've got everyone back. Except for Luke  
who we couldn't find and Carly who never showed up at the cabin. We  
were afraid the magic torch came to and got her. We're searching the  
island as we speak so maybe she'll make it anyway." Ned turned his  
attention to the contestants. "So, how have your lives changed since  
getting home from the contest?"

Skye wobbled as she stood up. She had a quirky grin on her  
face. "Thinshr great. I stared drinkin' again, and Jaxsh and I luv  
each other more than evr."

Jax had his big Aussie grin on. "Ees troo. Eye loives me Ski!"

"Right okay I just realized no one gives a damn. So on to my last  
question. Laura, what are you going to do now with all this money?"

Laura got a coy look. "Well it has something to do with eloping and  
a very tall tree, er uhm, guy. Tall dark and palm leaved. I...I  
mean handsome."

Ned shook his head. "Hm...? Again with the not caring." Ned turned  
his attention back to the camera. "Anyway, as avid fans of our show,  
and by that I mean the people who saw at least one show in the first  
few weeks, know that I was not the original host of this. My  
grandfather, Edward Quartermaine was until he was driven insane with  
joy over the Spencer boy being gone. Well I'm happy to say that he  
wasn't faking. I, I mean that he's doing okay and here with us  
tonight. Come on out Grandfather."

Edward walked slowly out to Ned. "Hello everyone. I'm also happy to  
say that I'm feeling much better. I've put this all behind me and  
I'll be glad to be heading home to my wife Lila. Furthermore I would  
like to add..."

"Dun."

Edward paused and stared for a few seconds, then continued. "As I  
was saying I..."

"Dikka dikka dikka."

Edward cleared his throat. "I refuse to believe in it's existence.  
Merely a bread crumb or something."

"In your ear?" Ned asked in confusion.

"Yes. Let me finish. I was..."

"Dun dikka dikka dikka dun."

Edward began to sweat heavily. His eyes darted back and forth. "Oh  
my God!"

"Dikka dikka dikka."

"It CAN'T be!"

"AAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"LUCKY!"

The blond boy emerged from the dark auditorium. "That's right old  
man. I was fixing to make my comeback and then you snapped and got  
taken away. It just wouldn't have been any fun after that so I took  
myself out of the game."

"Ssssso...you're not gone forever like my therapist said?" Edward  
asked in a whimpering tone.

"Nope. Yer gonna have to find better help."

Edward cried out in pain and slumped to the floor. The white dressed  
guys came out and drug him offstage.

Ned sighed and shrugged at the camera. "Well, I guess that's it. I  
gotta go anyway. I see a LOT of ELQ running to get done in my  
immediate future. Goodnight all.

THE END


End file.
